Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

Cuz it needs to be said before you read any further:





Don't say I didn't warn you. Onward!

"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically.'"
-- Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner; Washington, D.C.; March 29, 2001


How very strategery, you sly dog, you.


181 days to go!

According to my e-Mail backlog, I've picked up several new friends/readers over the past week or so. To all y'all, I bid a big "Howdy!"

If you're so inclined, throw out a comment and tell me what brought you here.


(I suppose that also goes for anyone else who's bored and looking for something to do.)

July 21st:
"Governor, thank you very much. I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
-- Arlington, Virginia; October 2, 2001


So, uh...you know...duck.


July 22nd:
"I think younger workers -- first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government -- promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is."
-- Washington, D.C.; May 4, 2005


Smell that? It's the refreshing odor of honesty, baby. Of course, he stumbled over that part of the text on the teleprompter, so he missed the next line...the part that read, "So, suck it. Kneel before Zod, bitches."


182 days to go!

I got two today:

"Working hard will make you live a happy life."

Well, at least until I get laid off.


"Your luck has been completely changed today."

Carrying on from the last thought, our hero looks around for the pink slip in his cubicle, when the intercom flares to life:

"Ward, the coach wants to see you. Bring your playbook."



Whoops.

Courtesy of another e-Mail group. Remember, boys and girls: There's no backspace key at the tattoo parlor.

The L Magazine: The 10 Greatest Misspelled Tattoos

As my sig line on TrekBBS states: "Beware the Canonites, for they are the Devil's pawns."

There currently are two separate (yet equally insipid) discussions currently "raging" in the TrekLit section of TrekBBS about everybody's favorite topic: What's "Canon" in Trek. I never will cease to be amazed at the lengths and contortions to which people will go to argue this stuff. The longer the discussions go on, the more ridiculous the suggestions for making it all work...none of which matter because the only people in a position to actually make a decision on the issue DON'T GIVE A PUDDLE OF LIQUEFIED DOGSHIT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

Meanwhile, I'm huddled on the floor of my living room trying to figure out how to jam the blunt, unlubricated end of a Louisville Slugger through my eye sockets so I don't have to read any more about it.

I knew I'd griped about it before, so I went digging into the archive, and found this:

Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe - February 1, 2007 entry: CANON

Still seems pretty applicable to me.

July 19th:
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."
-- Houston, Texas; September 6, 2000


So, no microwaves at the UN or any of these summits, okay?


July 20th:
"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal -- Antonio."
-- On Laura Bush's inviting U.S. Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House; NBC Nightly News; January 14, 2001


Cuz, you know...we don't pay those judges for shit.


184 days to go!

HERE MEN FROM THE PLANET EARTH
FIRST SET FOOT UPON THE MOON
JULY 1969 A.D.
WE CAME IN PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND

Happy Birthday to trillsie!

(29 again, right?)

July 17th:
"I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president."
-- Nashville, Tennessee; February 1, 2006

I liked them when we'd skip out of school, and now as they overprice our fuel. We get together on summer nights, and wipe our ass with the Bill of Rights. Amen.


July 18th:
"I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves."
-- Washington, D.C.; April 18, 2002

You know, sometimes I just sit here and shake my head when I read these.


186 days to go!

Are you frikkin' kidding me? I love Batman. I really do. Been looking forward to The Dark Knight for a while now.

But this is just idiotic:

Just A Movie? Fans Paying $100 For 'Dark Knight' - CraigsList Overflowing With Fans Desperate For Tickets

Hey, fuckheads: THE MOVIE WILL STILL BE THERE TOMORROW.

It'll be there next week. Next month, even.

Get a grip. Use some of that coin you were going to spend on a movie ticket and buy a god-damned clue, for crying out loud.

Forwarded by a friend:

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to one of those crazy "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The kid's first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss comes down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss is flabbergasted. "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid shrugs. "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, and we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss can't believe what he's hearing. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid shakes his head. "No. The guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'"

I screwed around and put this off, and by now everybody in the known universe has commented on their experiences at last weekend's Shore Leave convention. I tried writing a detailed recap, but it was in essence a repeat of what other folks had already said. Therefore, I'll boil my weekend down to the important points:

AP: Health proposal rankles Democrats

From the article:

"Democratic lawmakers said Wednesday that the Bush administration is considering a new federal rule that would withhold government funding from health care providers and organizations that refuse to hire workers who won't perform abortions or provide emergency contraception."

So, let me see if I have this right: Bush and his fellow idiots want to make it illegal to penalize those who "discriminate" against hiring people due to religious convictions. These people would then in turn -- due to religious convictions -- use their position and power to discriminate against patients or otherwise refuse to provide some of the care or related services for which they were hired in the first place, using all manner of semantics and clever wording which when boiled away amounts to "My imaginary friend tells me this is bad."

Does that about cover it?



Edited to fix clunky wording. Illegal wasn't correct here

From LiveJournal:

"Account Structure Update: Back by popular demand, Basic Accounts will be available to all users again by the end of the (northern hemisphere) summer. More information on the decision-making process and proposals relating to Basic Accounts are in lj_2008."

So, all those people -- you know, the ones who already had LJ accounts of one type or another -- who got themselves into a lather over this and staged boycotts and sit-outs or whatever the hell else they did, can now rest easy. You'll once again be free to create all sorts of bogus LJ accounts from which to post your anonymous Supernatural/Dawson's Creek/The OC/Ice Road Truckers slash fanfic. Type on!

Forwarded by the Mrs...cute play on words:

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

....terri_osborne and infinitydog, Rush is on The Colbert Report on Comedy Central tonight; their first American television appearance in more then 30 frikkin' years.

(Note to amysisson: I'm employing the "gay" pic for your benefit. ;D)

...feel like posting a full-blown Shore Leave after-action report just yet, I instead offer a couple of pics from the sight-seeing we did the day after the con wrapped.

First, we have proof that Indiana Jones shoulda just dialed up the Smithsonian:



Next, we have a rare photo of an Easter Island statue out of its natural habitat:



(Psst. I'm the one on the right.)

And finally, this one is for our friend jmswallow, who traveled from the UK to attend Shore Leave (and make a hysterical observation about American beer along the way), and while in DC making with his own tourist action, was unfortunately unable to find this wondrous artifact.



Sorry, dude!

"The goals of this country is to enhance prosperity and peace."
-- Speaking at the White House Conference on Global Literacy; New York, New York; September 18, 2006


Oh! Sweet Irony!


188 days to go!