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(Hopefully) Helpful advice for aspiring Star Trek writers.
However, our messenger friend fancies himself a writer. Not only that, he wants to be a Star Trek writer because, damn it, he's got the cure for all that ails the Star Trek franchise these days.
(Since first writing this entry, I've learned that several Trek authors also received the same e-Mail, outlining our hopeful writer-to-be's plan to submit his work to Pocket for consideration.)
He's pursued his goal with verve. He's visited the Pocket Books website. He's read the submission guidelines for Star Trek fiction, and has come away unsatisfied with what he's found. Of course, he's made the mistake committed by a goodly number of aspiring writers, in that he's either failed to comprehend what he's read, or else has ignored those things which are not in line with what he wants to hear in order to pound his chest and continue his crusade.
Because of that, he now appears to be fueled by a host of misconceptions which, if he's actually followed through with what he says he plans to do (assuming he's serious and this wasn't some elaborate practical joke), will result in his Star Trek opus, along with all of its unrealized potential, being sent to the trash.
So, in the unlikely event he's reading this (I suppose it's possible, as he got my e-Mail address from somewhere and may well know about my website), I'm posting the following bits of (hopefully) helpful advice, for him as well as anyone else who might harbor similar ambitions and perceptions:
"The submission guidelines don't reflect an editorial philosophy toward Star Trek fiction. They're a challenge to first-time authors to impress us with their seriousness, their professionalism, and their creativity. We set it up this way to maximize the chances that authors with talent, passion for the craft, and passion for Star Trek will submit stories, because they're the ones most likely to put in the extra effort."
The first sentence alone, when read with knowledge of the types of books being produced by the more experienced writers in Pocket's stable, is enough to tell you what you should already know if you're serious about this stuff: The guidelines are a test; they're a job interview. You walk in the door thinking they don't apply to you, or that you're better than what they're trying to accomplish, then you've already failed the interview.
Editors don't want to work with writers who can't follow simple instructions, because it's when the instructions become more complicated and intertwined with those given to other authors whom the editors are overseeing that things get really interesting. There are plenty of other hopeful writers out there who can follow editorial direction, so don't blow your chances before you even get to put something on the editor's desk, okay?
2. Don't start out your cover letter by insulting the very people you hope will one day pay you to write your epic Star Trek novel. Don't tell them they lack vision or that they don't understand what they're doing, and that you're their savior. I know of no instance where such a sales pitch has proven successful. You have no new twist on the notion which guarantees victory on your part.
Let's put this another way: If you want to bang that chick at the club, you don't slide up to her and inform her that -- based on what you've heard elsewhere -- her fellatio technique needs work, and you're just the guy to set her straight. Brad Pitt couldn't score with that line; you've got about as much chance as a blind monkey trying to hump a football.
3. Don't make up words to put in your cover letters. The dictionary is chock full of real, honest-to-goodness words which will do a far better job of helping you communicate your ideas than the apparently random assemblages of letters you've elected to pull from your ass.
4. It's been a few bullet points, so I figure it's time to reiterate this: READ THE GUIDELINES. HEED THE GUIDELINES. THIS MEANS YOU.
5. Don't try to dazzle the editor/whoever with the long list of self-published books you've written, or had published through the small press that you happen to own, and attempt to pass these off as writing credentials. Editors at the big-city publishing houses are interested in the credits you have where you connived some other publisher to pay you for your work. Paying to have your own work published doesn't impress anyone who actually does this stuff for a living. To use a somewhat different analogy, I bought a first aid kit for my truck, and I've even learned how to use everything in it. Doesn't make me a fucking doctor, okay?
6. If you're going to present yourself as The Guy to reinvent a sagging franchise with a work of fiction that shatters the genre, don't offer up as your idea one of those hackneyed fanboy plots we all write when we're Trekkies just starting out. I have one or two of those myself, hidden away in a deep, dark recess of Newbie Writer Hell, from which they hopefully will never escape. In fact, if they do manage to find their way to daylight, I'm going to beat the shit out of them, kick them back into their hole, and drive a stake through their evil, undead hearts.
7. Know who and what you're insulting. If you're going to lambaste people for their alleged inabilities to keep the Trek Fires burning now that Gene Roddenberry has shuffled off this mortal coil, get the names and titles right. The guy you're bitching about has never been involved with Star Trek before the movie that's now in development. Nobody knows what rabbit -- if any -- he may pull out of his hat, so dismissing his work sight unseen in favor of your own "unique vision" puts you on the same level as the drooling idiots crowding message boards all over the Internet. This isn't a club where your membership looks cool on a resume, all right?
The books you dismiss as being utterly disappointing have -- admittedly -- received a variety of reactions from glowing praise to utter contempt. Hey, everybody's got different tastes. However, the objective measure is that all of the books to which you refer are in multiple printings, and a few of them even ended up on best seller lists. Therefore, anecdotal evidence suggests that our mothers can't be the only ones buying these frikkin' things. Despite this, you still managed to get the books' umbrella title wrong. Guess what? The editors with whom you hope to build a long and prosperous career know the correct titles. They even edited some of them. They're liable to be a bit peeved at this lack of basic research on your part.
(And on a personal note...since I was involved with some of the books you're dissing, I'm not sure how you think this translates into me being eager to help you. Just sayin'.)
8. Lastly, READ THE GUIDELINES. Yes, I know. READ THEM AGAIN.
My work here is done. I'll be here all week. Be sure to try the veal, and remember to tip your servers.
wow. I never knew that. I just had dinner with John Ordover (with clothing, mind you) at a convention in Buffalo years and years ago.
no one ever said anything about stinkin' guidelines.
Besides, the guidelines are intended for the first-time writer coming to the game cold, and act as a floodgate to separate wheat from chaff. The editors have always looked elsewhere for new writers, but that call is theirs, not the guy who's wanting to drop his brick of paper on their desk.
Is that the sort of mixed metaphor professional writers use to illustrate a point?
I'd never make it. Too literal.
Sometimes, I do that because I'm not paying attention.
You decide.
I get stuff here at my day job that's just all over the place. "Dude," I want to say. "The publishing industry has been around for a long time. It has its standards. They've evolved over time into accepted practices because, overall, they work. Just listen to what the editor says. Taking this adversarial approach does two things for an aspiring author: Jack and shit, and Jack has left town. Writing professionally is a collaborative process, and if you can't play well with others odds are your career is going straight to hell in a porta-potty."
I don't actually get to say that though. Dang.
You simply lack vision, is all.
Thank you for your interest in Zenith Press. However, contrary to your proposal, books on how the Marine Corps "stomps ass with big boots of freedom" have been done before, and, yes, they have included information on "all their weapons and shit they use to righteously frag the motherfuckers what have it coming."
So we are passing on your book at this time, and wish you luck pursuing it with other publishers.
I'm thinking of getting it tattooed on my thigh.
In the mean time, I think I'll make it my LJ's subtitle.
This is awesome!
AWE-FRICKIN'-SOME!!!
*we're not worthy bow*
Anyway, it ain't f-locked now :)
I deliberately refrained from posting the e-Mail or making direct references from it to avoid sending a tidal wave of curiosity/whatever to the website included in the message. I'm sure other folks who also got the e-Mail can vouch that I covered the relevant points, but suffice it to say that it's "memorable." :)