Variety is reporting that Keanu Reeves will play Klaatu in a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Set aside for a moment the fact that this is one of my all-time favorite movies, and in my opinion doesn't need to be remade, and the very notion of doing so borders on heresy.

Set aside for a moment the certainty that Hollywood will find a way to strip from this film the message (overt as it was) it conveyed so well more than 50 years ago and turn it into a 90-minute commercial for crappy action figures and video games -- to say nothing of the fact that, sadly, it's a message that still needs conveying -- and instead give us a "visual feast" of new special effects that were all but unnecessary in the original version. I'll bet some jackass in a production office is trying to find a way to turn this into a comedy, with Gort playing the part of the smart-assed sidekick who also has the ability to turn the entire planet into a flaming turd on the galactic porch with a flip of his visor.

Set all of that aside.

Instead, let the jokes begin. I'm already twitching as classic dialogue is "re-imagined" for modern audiences:

Rather than:

"I came here to give you these facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet. But if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder."

We'll get:

"Listen up. We don't care about your planet, dudes, but if you roll up on us the wrong way, we'll smoke your asses."

Or, instead of:

"There must be security for all, or no one is secure. This does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to act irresponsibly."

We'll have:

"Be excellent to each other."

And naturally, they'll want to replace:

"We have come to visit you in peace and with goodwill."

With:

"Whoa."

Crap.