Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
-- Washington, D.C.; May 5, 2006

I suspect it won't take that long. At all.


And there you have it!

[Dennis Miller]

"That's the news, and I am outa here."

[/Dennis Miller]

January 17th:
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
-- Washington, D.C.; January 8, 2003


January 18th:
"The budget caps were busted, mightily so. And we are reviewing with people like Judd Gregg from New Hampshire and others some budgetary reform measures that will reinstate -- you know, possibly reinstate budgetary discipline. But the caps no longer -- the caps, I guess they're there. But they didn't mean much."
-- Washington, D.C.; February 5, 2001

That even hurt to type.


January 19th:
"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order -- order out of chaos. But we will."
-- Washington, D.C.; April 13, 2003


1 day to go!

We're comin' to the end of it, folks!


January 13th:
"That's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."
-- Crawford, Texas; August 8, 2003


January 14th:
"We're still being challenged in Iraq and the reason why is a free Iraq will be a major defeat in the cause of freedom."
-- North Carolina; April 5, 2004


January 15th:
"But I also made it clear to [Vladimir Putin] that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe."
-- Washington, D.C.; May 1, 2001


January 16th:
"The United States and Russia are in the midst of a transformationed relationship that will yield peace and progress."
-- Washington, D.C.; November 13, 2001


4 days to go!

January 11th:
"Laura and I really didn't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
-- Appearing on CNBC; April 15, 2000

Whoops.


January 12th:
"The public education system in America is one of the most important foundations of our democracy. After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society."
-- Santa Clara, California; May 1, 2002

Overheard from his speechwriter: "Hello, Bazooka Bubble Gum? Yes, I'm calling for the job posting looking for writers?"


8 days to go!

January 8th:
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die."
-- Speaking with reporters about facing the challenges of war; Washington, D.C.; December 7, 2006


January 9th:
"The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11 made a big mistake. They underestimated America. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too."
-- Langley, Virginia; September 26, 2001

I'm sure that's not all they misunderestimated about you, either.


January 10th:
"They've seen me make decisions, they've seen me under trying times, they've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, they've seen me hug. And they know who I am, and I believe they're comfortable with the fact that they know I'm not going to shift principles or shift positions based upon polls and focus groups."
-- Interview with USA Today; August 27, 2004


10 days to go!

January 4th:
"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."
-- Scranton, Pennsylvania; September 6, 2000


January 5th:
"The trial lawyers are very politically powerful....But here in Texas we took them on and got some good medical -- medical malpractice."
-- Waco, Texas; August 13, 2002


January 6th:
"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more -- when there's more than talk, there's just actual -- a paradigm shift."
-- Washington, D.C.; July 1, 2003


January 7th
"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a -- a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone."
-- Denver, Colorado; August 14, 2001


13 days to go!

January 2nd:
"Think about that. Two hundred and eighty-five new or expanded programs, $2 trillion more in new spending, and not one new bureaucrat to file out the forms or answer the phones?"
-- Minneapolis, Minnesota; November 1, 2000


January 3rd:
"They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people.' And I said, 'You know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work.'"
-- Portland, Oregon; October 31, 2000


17 days to go!

December 31st:
"I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America -- we can feed ourselves."
-- Stockton, California; August 23, 2002

We can even wipe our own asses, too.


January 1st:
"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
-- Speaking on NPR; January 29, 2007

Way to stick to those New Year's resolutions, bro.


19 days to go!

December 28th:
"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."
-- Boston, Massachusetts; October 4, 2002

Ooching. Is that anything like Cooching?


December 29th:
"Maybe she'll be able to join us in Florida. If not, she can clean out her room."
-- On the recovery of his daughter Jenna from an appendectomy; December 26, 2000

There's the Decider for you.


December 30th:
"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
-- As quoted by the New York Daily News; April 23, 2002

Ah, screw it. Let's just bomb the shit out of 'em, instead.


21 days to go!

December 26th:
"A small-business owner's outlook is improved when there's a new product available that says, 'Gosh, I'm meeting the needs of my employees and also being able to better control costs."
-- Washington, D.C.; March 16, 2004


December 27th:
"We must have the attitude that every child in America -- regardless of where they're raised or how they're born -- can learn."
-- New Britain, Connecticut; April 18, 2001


24 days to go!

December 22nd:
"I was a prisoner, too, but for bad reasons."
-- To Argentinian president Nestor Kirchner, on being told that all but one of the Argentinian delegates to a summit meeting were imprisoned during the military dictatorship; Monterrey, Mexico; January 13, 2004

You know, that's just too stupid for any kind of follow-up. It stands on its own, and with this guy, that's saying something.


December 23rd:
"Kosovians can move back in."
-- Appearing on CNN's Inside Politics; April 9, 1999

See? I keep telling you; the warning signs were always there.


December 24th:
"Listen, whoever thought about modernizing this room deserves a lot of credit. Like, there's very little oxygen in here anymore."
-- On the confines of the White House's Brady Briefing Room; Washington, D.C.; March 16, 2005

Well, that's Fang-Shooey for you.


December 25th:
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
-- Des Moines, Iowa; August 21, 2000

Can't blame a lack of oxygen on that one.


26 days to go!

December 18th:
"[A] free Iraq is essential to our respective countries."
-- Washington, D.C.; June 1, 2004

Well, any day, yo.


December 19th:
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
-- La Crosse, Wisconsin; October 18, 2000

This is what happens when you let a Horta write your speeches.


December 20th:
"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children."
-- Remarks on "parental empowerment in education"; Washington, D.C.; April 12, 2001

Somebody got left behind, eh?


December 21st:
"My thoughts are, we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities."
-- On how the rebuilding of New Orleans might commence; Biloxi, Mississippi; September 2, 2005

Okay, Brownie. You can take it from here.


30 days to go!

December 15th:
"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope."
-- In an interview with The Associated Press; March 8, 2000

Does anybody else think that if we'd just told him Election Day was the first Thursday in November, he would've slept in that Tuesday and saved us all a lot of heartburn (and heartbreak)?


December 16th:
"Didn't we already give them a break at the top?"
-- To economic advisors urging the elimination of taxes on dividends; as quoted by Paul O'Neill; Washington, D.C.; November 26, 2002

And people say he was only looking out for his rich cronies. For shame, doubters.


December 17th:
"You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate."
-- Referring to his education bill; Independence, Missouri; August 21, 2001

You know, there might just have been a halfway-decent thought buried somewhere in the middle of that mess, but don't ask me to go looking for it.


34 days to go!

December 11th:
"Can't living with the bill means it won't become law."
-- Brussels, Belgium; June 13, 2001

I swear, this is like the 5,000th example of why this guy should've come with subtitles.


December 12th:
"There's no cave deep enough for America, or dark enough to hide."
-- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; August 29, 2002

That's right, America. No matter who you are, where you go, or where you hide, the Bush administration is committed to finding some way to fuck you in the ass.


December 13th:
"It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR [Arctic National Wildlife Refuge]. I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is."
-- Washington, D.C.; March 29, 2001

And when you're done with that, take a look at your 401Ks and see how beautiful those are, because I'm coming for that next, suckers.


December 14th:
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
-- Grand Rapids, Michigan; January 29, 2002

Hey, what someone does in the privacy of their palace bedroom is their business, not mine.


37 days to go!

I'm fallin' behind with these!

December 7th:
"I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."
-- Speaking on NPR; January 29, 2007

Well, somebody's gotta be the voice of logic and reason, right?


December 8th:
"And I am an optimistic person. I guess if you want to try to find something to be pessimistic about, you can find it, no matter how hard you look, you know?"
-- Washington, D.C.; June 15, 2004

Oh, we reach. Yay, brother. You are so not Herbert.


December 9th:
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
-- Arlington Heights, Illinois; October 24, 2000

Free your mind, Neo.


December 10th:
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
-- Concord, New Hampshire; January 29, 2000

I keep looking at the pre-2000 election dates on a lot of these quotes, and I just keep shaking my head in wonderment.

In the interests of preventing such an electoral tragedy from ever again happening, I propose a litmus test for all future voting: You lick the strip on the edge of your ballot, and if it turns a certain color, you're deemed a moron and not allowed to vote.

(Actually, the real test is whether or not a prospective voter believes such a test would really work. If they go through with it....then they're deemed a moron and not allowed to vote.)


41 days to go!

December 5th:
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders."
-- St. Louis, Missouri; October 18, 2000

Well, that's an interesting combination....


December 6th:
"A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses -- Hispanically owned or otherwise -- pay taxes at the highest marginal rate."
-- To the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce; Washington, D.C.; March 19, 2001

Yeah. Facts. Those are cool. You know...when people bother to look them up. By the way, how do you Hispanically own something?


45 days to go!

December 2nd:
"Nothing he [Saddam Hussein] has done has convinced me -- I'm confident the secretary of defense -- that he is the kind of fellow that is willing to forgo weapons of mass destruction, is willing to be a peaceful neighbor, that is -- will honor the people -- the Iraqi people of all stripes, will -- values human life. He hasn't convinced me, nor has he convinced my administration."
-- Crawford, Texas; August 21, 2002


December 3rd:
"We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted."
-- Albuquerque, New Mexico, the state nickname of which is "Land of Enchantment"; May 12, 2003


December 4th:
"Columbia carried in its payroll classroom experiments from some of our students in America."
-- Bethesda, Maryland; February 3, 2003

You'd think if there was one day where you could at least try not to fuck it up....

November 30th:
"Over the long term, the most effective way to conserve energy is by using energy more efficiently."
-- Radio address; May 12, 2001

One-take Bush, that's what old Jack Warner used to call him.


December 1st:
"The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with the ideology of hope -- an ideology of hate -- excuse me -- with an ideology of hope."
-- Fort Benning, Georgia; January 11, 2007

Totalitarian of hate. That sounds like the name of a Yes album from the early 80s. If Yes was a bunch of glue-sniffing zombies with the collective I.Q. of a decomposing eggplant, that is.


51 days to go!

November 27th:
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
-- Trenton, New Jersey; September 23, 2002

In hindsight, some of these seem oddly prophetic. Sort of like Nostradumbass.


November 28th:
"Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame. I understand that."
-- Washington, D.C.; May 11, 2001

Well, he had the right idea going in, anyway.


November 29th:
"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military."
-- Tyndall Air Force Base, Florida; March 12, 2001

What's even better for morale is the troop actually being able to live in said house, instead of some hole in the ground on the other side of the world because you and your cronies can't get your shit together.


52 days to go!

November 25th:
"Because of your work, children who once wanted to die are now preparing to live."
-- Speaking at the White House summit on malaria; December 14, 2006

Setting aside the whole "want to die" thing, as the late, great George Carlin might say: You don't "prepare to live." By the time you get around to preparing to live, you're already fucking doing it. Get on with it.


November 26th:
"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."
-- Des Moines, Iowa; January 15, 2000

That's right, doubters. He only brought in women who were potty-trained. Told you.


55 days to go!