Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

Apparently, yet another new translation of the Bible is in order....

The LOLCat Bible



A random sample, from Leviticus 1:

-----

Burnt cheezeburgerz

1 Teh Ceiling Cat saiz to Mozes, "O hai! Outta ur tabby-nackels, d00dthx.2 U should go saiz this to Izrulites, for to IM me, Hey Ceiling Cat, I can has stuff :) and liek that, they gotta bring me teh cheezeburgers or other good stuff for impruvin teh conneckshun winkwink."

3 Offurings is liek good an all, buts teh haz to be not flawZord cheezeburger, and you can bringz it to mah front d00rz," saiz teh Ceiling Cat.4 Youz to put yer pawz on teh cheezeburger, n sai, 'Sarry for the pwnage, but u no how it is an stuff, kthxbai.'5 N then you is to kill teh Bullock (O NOES! Not teh Sander Bullock! She B hot n all!) in front of us d00dz, n leev teh meesy cheezeburger joocez all ovur teh playce, gross. Iz U retardid?6 Tehn take its buns off and cutz it up, so for kittehs no choke.7 But then you are all leik, 'Cheezeburger wai too rair! DO NOT WANT!' So then you mayk a big fire for to grill it up taystee n stuff kthx.8 Then you, liek, grill it up taystee n stuff kthx.9 But then thair be pikkulz and onyuns n crap on it! O NOES! BLECH! Tayk that garbajge off and stik it up yr harbl, we iz not amused. Srsly. Then we can has it now? Kthxyum.

10 But if U wana bring teh donutz or teh ExBockzs, thatz kewl too, but don U be bringin me no trash, Ceiling Cat will run out of happy and kiil ur d00dz.11 Jest bring it liek norml and throw teh stuff around, liek YAY! ExBockses and donutz n bere! W00T!12 N then you all divvy up teh loot, ain't it grayt to be churchy and take ppls stuff? HA!!1!! Im in ur cherch, eetin yr foodZ n playin wif ur toyz! Moar plz.13 But then you notise some joker brought copy of Zero Wing, and that suckz, so plz to thro away for graet justise. Then U eat and play kthx.

14 An hey, Ceiling Cat lieks teh chikin too dont forgit!15 Jest make sure itz ded and crispy, raw chikin iz gross and makses us frow up.16 No fethurz neether! R U DUM?!17 Look, ur doin it rong, jest get teh 16 peece Xtra Crispy Bucket, with the taytoes and gravy and biskitz, and teh mac n' chz, kthx? What? O ya, Ceiling Cat iz happy, sure yumyum, srsly."

-----

Too bad it's not out until January. My Christmas shopping would've been done in, like, two minutes.

Snurched without guilt or remorse from torenheksje:

CollegeHumor.com: "5 Star Wars Status Updates"



Among my favorites:

Obi-Wan Kenobi: She's your sister, bro.

Luke Skywalker: wut.

Han Solo: I AM SO IN.

So, I'm toolin' around the TrekBBS this evening, and I happen across a thread where folks are trying to turn Star Trek episode titles into something you'd hear as the title of a porn flick.

Say what you will....I thought of five or six examples just in the time it took you to read that first sentence.

Anyway, one of the posters in the thread reminds the others that the subject was covered rather well in a previous thread from some time ago. Then a link is provided to what at first seems like an innocuous dialogue, titled "How to have fun with Spock's Brain." Then, one superhuman poster, who goes by the name "payndz201" on TrekBBS (actually author Andy McDermott), took things to a whole new level. The result? A photonovel-esque journey through the classic Star Trek episode "Spock's Brain."



Yeah, you read it right. The rest of the pics pretty much take that ball -- so to speak -- and run with it. Don't say you weren't warned.

Courtesy of friend Ken Gagne over at Showbits.net, comes this parody/re-imagining of 24, with Jack Bauer and the rest of the CTU gang doing their thing...had the show been developed (and set!) in 1994.

Showbits.net: Jack Bauer, 1994



Thanks, Ken!

A small refresher for the slang-challenged (I'm lookin' at you, Poindexter. You know who you are.) -

"Is shit or "Like shit" means it's bad.

"The shit" means it's good.

All of the power for the positive spin version rests upon the shoulders of "The."

Otherwise...well...it's just shit.

Got it?

Word.

Yeah, I laughed. :)

Spawning from a smart-assed comment I made to kvaadk in this post, I think I may be on to something with my own special brand of "writerly advice." Possible topics for examination:


"Their, They're: I Keep Copyeditors Employed. Your Welcome."

"Fucking Use the Fucking F-Word to Fucking Enhance Expo-fucking-sition, Mother Fucker. Fuck."

"Getting Your Co-Writer to Do All the Work, Take All the Blame, and Be Your Wingman With Fangirls At Cons."

"How to Snort Blow With Your Royalty Check, Because That's All It's Good For."


Finally: A way to use my SnarkPowers for good? Whaddaya think? Any other topics on which I might be uniquely qualified to expound?

Via friend Jane Hamilton @janehamilton:



Whoops.

Found this online. Once again, The Onion rules:


(Click to enlarge.)

Courtesy of the one and only popfiend!

Thanks to Governor Mark Sandford's trainwreck press conference from yesterday, the folks at SomethingPositive.net have come up with something to help us through what is fast becoming a rapidly-recurring sequence of events:

SomethingPositive.net: Political Press Confession Bingo!

My personal favorite: "I'd also like to apologize to my staff, but if they'd lied better then I wouldn't be in this situation so fuck them. Fuck them in the face."



I'm only pissed that I didn't think of something like this first.

I've lost count of the number of times I've seen this e-Mail over the years, but I still smile and laugh whenever it comes around.

---

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


(Note: I don't know how much of the "modern" version(s) of the show are scripted with respect to guest responses, funny or otherwise. As for the original show: In truth, the guests were sometimes given certain questions ahead of time, in order to have an opportunity to craft answers. Certain questions also were written deliberately for specific guests in order to provoke responses in keeping with that guest's personality/delivery. Still, a lot of the answers we heard were ad-libbed. Oh, and Paul Lynde totally rulz.)

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

....it ain't quite so much damned fun anymore, is it?



(Courtesy of a friend on another e-Mail list, and http://www.makemymood.com.)

Forwarded to me by the Mrs.

LIFE, EXPLAINED.

On the first day, God created the Dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The Dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the Monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The Monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the Cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The Cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created Man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But Man said: "Only twenty years? What about giving me my twenty, plus the forty the the Cow gave back, the ten the Monkey gave back, and the ten the Dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Such is Life.

Thanks to infinitydog for bringing this to my attention. Two guilty pleasures, the Muppets and Ocean's Eleven, come together in this rather amusing mash-up video:



Yeah, I dig it.

Okay, this is just damned funny:

io9.com: Alien Versus Predator Game Night


My favorite is the shot of them playing pool.

Possibly the first in yet another irregular, recurring series.

This installment, offered without comment:

Passed on by a friend. I'm sure I've seen something like it before, but it's still funny:


Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
at home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is beer, the bitter and the lager, for ever and ever,
Barmen.

Forwarded to me by a friend. I've not seen it before, but it's pretty funny:

The Project Manager

"Son, we live in a world that has projects, and those projects have to be managed by leaders with credentials. Who's gonna do it? You? You, 'Business Manager'?

"I have a responsibility greater than you can possibly fathom. You weep for "within budget and on time," and you curse PMPs! You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that status meetings, while time consuming, probably saved ours jobs. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps the project running. You don't want the truth. Deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that project! You need me on that project!

"We use words like 'Earned Value,' 'Status Report,' and 'Metrics'. We use these words as the backbone of a lifetime spent managing your projects. You use 'em as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a person who rises and sleeps under the very blanket of project leadership that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said, 'Thank you,' went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you focus on your assigned tasks and get back to work. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

This was one of those ideas that sounded better in my head, but as I'm up late, unable to sleep, and there's nothing good on TV, I give you: Star Trek: The Facebook Voyages.

The guinea pig episode? "Spock's Brain," of course:

TEASER
( Read me.... )

 
ACT ONE

( Read me.... )

ACT TWO

( Read me.... )

ACT THREE

( Read me.... )

 

ACT FOUR

( Read me.... )

THE END.

(I need to play with this some more, but it's a start.)