Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

We're credit card holders, and we pay off our balances without fail each month. We've known for years that in the ass-backwards world of corporate banking, this responsible behavior, rather than earning us a reputation as a trustworthy credit risk, instead results in us being labeled as "deadbeats."

And now, we have this:

USA Today: Latest bank fee is for paying off credit card on time every month.

Fuckers.

Over the years we've had our two current cards, each from a different company (one for "normal, everyday stuff," and the other for tax-deductable expenses), one company in particular has tried their damnedest to trip us up. They slip in weird fees. They change our payment due date to earlier in the month and then hold the check we already sent until it's "past due." They split our payment schedule to twice a month in an attempt to trigger interest and fees in the hopes we'll miss the earlier payment. Every single time, Michi catches them and we call the company, arguing the fee off our account. A few times, I've canceled the card outright on the phone (You can do that when you carry no balance. Nootch.), just to wait five or ten minutes until somebody higher in the food chain calls back, apologizing for the "misunderstanding" or "inconvenience" and groveling to retain our business.

So, we've already discussed it and decided that if our current company tries this new fee, we're kicking them to the curb. We'll either use our credit union's debit card as a credit card and continue to pay the balance that way, or just go straight debit. Another alternative is to get a credit card through them. We've been customers of theirs for sixteen years, and for good reason.

I know, I know: "Closing a credit card account can be bad for your credit score."

Whatever.

It's not like having a credit card is an exclusive fraternity. Anybody with a pulse can have one. The banks, with their rather short memories, seem to have forgotten that one of the big reasons our economy's in the shitter is because they insisted on extending loans and credit to people who possessed no realistic ability to pay back what they'd been given.

As for us? We've bought a house. We've bought cars. We've had a home equity line of credit so we could do some home remodelling. We have IRAs and money market accounts and 401ks. We've had store credit, and we've had credit cards. Our credit's plenty good, bank wonks, and it'll survive our decision not to let you ass-hammer us simply because we've managed to play by the rules all these years.

Sit on a broken beer bottle and spin, you pricks.

Anybody else got their own credit card story/stories? Let's have 'em!

I'd already ordered tickets for this year's Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert Kansas City, which will take place on December 23rd and carry forward our annual tradition of taking in this holiday show. For those tickets, I was able to pre-order awesome seats before tickets went on sale to the general public. I figured that was going to be it for our concert-going this year.

Then I get word that violinist David Garrett is coming to town in October. The Mrs. informs me that she'll handle the logistics of finding a sitter; I am to secure tickets. At first I was worried about the fact that the concert's on a weeknight, and so far I've been reluctant to call on friends or a sitter during the week. But, she reassures me that we have friends who are champing at the bit to spend time with the kids.

Hell. I'll call that bluff. So, down I sit, surfing the 'net to Mr. Garrett's website to purchase concert tickets. Once there, I behold the Guardian at the Gates.

Ticketmaster.

Damn, but I hate Ticketmaster, and all their "convenience charges" and "processing fees" and other crap that drives the cost of doing business with them through the roof. Two tickets to this concert total out at a reasonable price, but by the time I'm done letting Ticketmaster teabag me, the additional fees and charges amount to what would've been a third ticket. I had to double check to make sure Jerry Jones or Daniel Snyder weren't behind the curtain pulling the levers and shit.

Naturally, TM's the only game in town, so if we want to go to the concert, we have to pony up.

I checked, and they did indeed have a reacharound option available for an additional service charge. I opted against it this time.

So, let me get this straight:

Next Tuesday, President Obama will address our nation's youth, via the White House website and C-SPAN, during which he will advocate the necessity and benefits of staying in school, doing your best, and all those things I remember hearing from my parents when I was a kid in school.

Some parents, petrified at whatever subversive message might spew forth from a Commander in Chief for whom they did not vote, have decided to act. They won't stand for any President of the United States talking to their kids about the merits of staying in school. No fucking way that can happen. Instead, they're opting to keep their children out of school that day. Better they stay home, playing XBox or downloading shitty music from torrent sites or surfing Dad's porn collection on the laptop than go to school and perhaps be inspired to learn something.

PoliticsDaily.com: "Protecting Our Kids From Obama's Subversive 'Eat Your Peas' Message"

What the hell is wrong with people? What the hell is wrong with schools who cater to these morons? Requiring permission slips TO HEAR A SPEECH FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? And just so they can cover their ass and avoid fallout from aforementioned stupid parents?

As has been pointed out, both Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush gave similar speeches during their terms to school children. It would've been nice to see our previous president engage kids in this manner, if only to demonstrate to anyone paying attention what happens when you don't take school seriously, and instead get by on family lineage and favors.

Do parents actually think that little Johnny Fourth Grader is going to have his brain absorbed by the Obamatron? After the assimilation is complete, will Johnny come home from school and -- prior to sluffing off his homework in favor of playing Guitar Hero -- launch into a litany of liberal talking points about the ailing economy or health care, all while the ghost of Lenin whacks off in the corner?

You know what? Fuck those people. They're lost causes, but there's still a small chance their children can be rescued from passing on to future generations whatever parental stupidity, bigotry, and apathy which might already have rubbed off on them.

Assuming, of course, that they're not kept from going to school by their useless, ignorant, paranoid parents.


(Thanks to kvaadk for the link.)

Listen up, cyclists:

By and large, I have no problem "sharing the road" with you folk. Follow the rules of the road, don't grab my mirror or put your sweaty-assed hand on my hood to balance yourself when we're all stopped at a light, and we'll get along just fine.

Want to weave in between lanes of traffic? Ride two and three abreast in the middle of the road and obstruct the flow of traffic? Throw your empty water bottle in the back of my truck when you think I'm not looking? Run red lights and stop signs because it throws off your pace, damages your Chi or makes you late to get your ballsack waxed? Then take that bus up your ass like a man, and stop your fucking whining.

Yes, the water bottle thing happened. I called the guy on it, and he said, "Sorry."

My response: "Sorry for what? Being an asshole, or for not at least being a stealthy asshole?" He had the good sense to retrieve his bottle and go on his way.

Personally, I blame Lance Armstrong. Prick.

With all the dangers faced by our troops in forward areas, the Pentagon has of course spent a great deal of time on one of the more important issues affecting our men and women in uniform. Thank God for the bureaucrats in the rear.

CNN.com: Pentagon: Troops won't lose their war-zone smokes

That's right, boys and girls: At the end of a long day at the war, your bosses have - from the safety and security of their air-conditioned offices back in the World - graciously afforded you the continued option to light up a coffin nail if that's your particular kink. Why this even had to last longer than the SecDef asking, "What the fuck are you smoking?" to the people who with straight faces brought him the report, I'll never know.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not a smoker (okay...I enjoy the occasional cigar) and I'd be happier if friends and family members of mine who smoke dropped the habit. That said, I'm all for allowing those who choose to smoke the freedom to do so, provided I don't have to inhale it. I can even get behind the military phasing out smoking altogether on their bases, or even disallowing its members to smoke at all. There's a proper way to do that, with smoking-cessation programs, etc. The Marine Corps had programs like that even back when I was still in.

But telling troops deployed to the combat zones to quit cold turkey? That's almost as dumb as telling them they can't look at a skin mag, or have the odd beer that might come their way. Can you just imagine the reaction of troops in the field? "What? I can't smoke? What the fuck are they going to do? Shave my head and send me to Leavenworth?"

Of course, the Washington Weenie Brigade has, after careful study, determined that smoking poses health problems. Thank you for that bit of insight, folks. You know what else is bad for your health? Bullets, grenades, mines, and dickbags running into market squares wearing vests loaded with dynamite and nails. I figure if a grunt can get past all of that and make it back to his rack at the end of the day, he (or she) should be able to fire up a smoke to help wash away the taste of piss-warm canteen water and the combat ration or shitty overpriced meal served by Haliburton.

Nice to see the Pentagon's got their finger on the pulse of the real issues facing our military these days.

It started on Saturday.

I was outside, working in the yard that afternoon, some time around 3:30...3:45 or so, when I saw the familiar white mail truck making his way down the street. I figured something odd was up, like a new carrier learning the route or whatever, because on most days the mail is usually delivered in our neighborhood around noon or so.

As I worked, I kept glancing up the street, watching as the truck started, stopped, backed up, started again, and so on. Finally, as I was taking the Weed Eater to my landscaped areas on the side of the house, he arrived at my mailbox. Though he took the large grocery bag filled with assorted food items we'd placed there earlier in the day -- obliging a request by our local Post Office to donate such items for an effort they had underway to help folks in need -- he did not put anything in my mailbox. Thinking little of it at the time, I continued with my work, looking up once more as he circled through the neighborhood at least once more.

Skip to much later that evening, when I get an e-Mail advisory from Amazon.com, letting me know that an attempt had been made that day to deliver a package they'd shipped to me. However, according to the e-Mail, "USPS was unable to leave the package at your delivery address as per their delivery policies." Whatever the hell that meant. Using the thoughtfully provided tracking number, I looked up the package's status, and saw that an "attempt" had been made to deliver the package at or around 2pm Saturday afternoon. Unless the dude was cloaked, I never saw anyone in the neighborhood that early. That, or my house chose that moment to phase out of this space-time continuum just as delivery was attempted, and that just fucked up the poor, beleaguered postal worker.

What irked me was that according to the e-Mail, "The package would be available for pick up at your local post office." I also needed to bring the Redelivery Notice card which had been left in my mailbox.

That's right, the phantom card which wasn't actually provided.

So, I inquired, going to the USPS website and following the website I'm sure they paid somebody's kid to design, and sent an e-Mail asking, essentially, "WTF?" I was very detailed in recounting the incident, highlighting that I *was home* at the alleged time of attempted delivery, and also while the carrier was making his rounds. I emphasized that no Redelivery Notice card had been left in my mailbox.

Today, I got a response, which essentially ignored everything I said, and instead informed me, and I quote without any modification whatsoever: "I apologize this means the Post Office attempted to delvery you item and could not leave it because you were not home to receive it"

Yeah.

Of course, when I decided to track the package's status, it showed that it was delivered three hours earlier, even though no one was home to "receive it."

Oh, and I couldn't help noting that this occasion of consummate customer service was provided the very day that postal rates went up. Again.

Cripes, this shit makes me sick.

By now, many of you must have heard of this idiotic group, the "National Organization for Marriage," and their "doomsday ad" decrying the "gathering storm of gay marriage" which threatens the sacred union between man and woman, blah blah blah. If not, here's a link to it on YouTube.

A visit to the NOM website made me want to gouge out my eyes with a screwdriver. What it all boils down to is "Two dudes or two chicks together is bad. Never mind that, statistically speaking, my priest is more likely to ass rape my son before a gay marriage has any real impact on my home life."

Can I get an "Amen?"

You may also know that NOM had to go out and recruit "actors" (and I use the term in the most respectful junior high school play sense, of course) for the ad, apparently having no small amount of bad luck finding within their own ranks actual close-minded bigots with the basic language and reading skills to fill the ad's needs. MSNBC's Rachel Maddow has a bit on that, also on YouTube.

Morons.

Of course, the parodies are already flooding YouTube, as well, such as this one and this one.

As for me, I've already commented a few times on the issue of gay marriage and its threat to the sanctity of "real marriage," so I'm just going to point to a post I made back in October 2008, as my stance hasn't changed.

Amen.

Thanks to infinitydog for the heads-up.

Does our city council spend its hours reining in our bloated budget, drunken sailor-esque spending, growing list of all-but ignored critical capital improvement projects, beleaguered school system, or...you know...anything of worth?

No. Instead, these are the issues our city council sees fit to tackle:

Primebuzz.KCStar.com: Tempers flare and purple panties wave during the KC dress-code debate

I must admit up front that I've not visited our vaunted Power & Light District since it opened, with the exception of attending a couple of concerts at our mighty Sprint Center. Therefore, I've not experienced the dress code crisis firsthand. However, I was under the impression that the code was intended to "keep out the riff-raff" and essentially bring a bit of respectability to the entertainment venue.

Nobody told me waitresses were walking around in bras and panties. I'd have been there on opening night.

I don't see the big deal, one way or the other. Want a dress code? Then define it in stark terms so there's no ambiguity, and get the hell on with life. Dispense with the dress code? Then have the security crews actually earn their paychecks by tossing out the rowdy pricks, regardless of what they might be wearing. Some of the rudest, most obnoxious cockpimples in dire need of an ass-kicking wear three-piece suits while tooling around this town in a BMW or an SUV (or even a BMW SUV).

Either way, I don't care. My favorite watering holes are nowhere near downtown or the P&L, anyway, and they don't give a shit what I wear.

Why, in this age of rampant credit card and identity theft, would you not ask to see a customer's ID when they present you a credit card to pay for their purchases? Further, why have you instituted a process whereby said customer is no longer even required to sign a receipt (electronic or paper) when the purchase price is below a certain monetary threshold?

By allowing either of these scenarios to take place in your establishment, you are contributing to the ongoing and aforementioned credit card and identify theft problem. And yet, when confronted directly about this, you'll proclaim to all who will listen that you take these issues seriously, and that you're doing everything you can to prevent such things from happening...at least, until I come back to the store and see the same things taking place all over again.

You're not helping. With your half-hearted oversight and dismissive public statements, you're like a right-handed ass rapist who, when they finally offer a reach-around, does so with their left hand. Oddly enough, this is much like what happens when a person suffers from credit card or identity theft.

Thanks loads, you lying pricks.

So, we got our first "real" snow today. Nothing significant in the way of accumulation. That is, it really shouldn't have been. It started around 9:30am, and by 11:20 or so when I left the office, it was only just beginning to stick. I headed out, ran by Best Buy to grab The Dark Knight on DVD, and then some lunch before returning to the office. During that time, I briefly considered heading home early, thinking the weather might worsen during the day and affect the evening rush hour. I eventually decided the snow we were getting was no big deal, and headed back to work.

Bad call, Ripley. It was a bad call!

I left the office to head home at 4:50, for what would, even in rush hour, be about a 25-minute drive home.

I pulled into my garage at 6:38.

During the intervening 108 minutes, I had a front-row seat as the drivers in my adopted city lost their god-damned minds.

Despite the roads upon which I traveled being relatively free of snow, ice or even meaningful slush, my speedometer never rose above 20MPH (most of the time, it hovered around 6). There were no accidents or stalled cars blocking any of the lanes, no tow-trucks hooking up to abandoned vehicles, no renegade wildlife or debris littering the roads, nothing. However, the lack of usual obstacles was still more than enough to tighten the collective sphincters of the entire Kansas City commuting armada. If they weren't crawling along while straddling two lanes of traffic, they were careening on or off the highway on their way to slip and slide along the ramps. They accelerated into almost stagnant traffic, slamming on brakes and narrowly missing unmoving cars on their way into the ditches on the side of the road. They had their lights off. They had their windshields covered with ice and snow save for the hole just big enough to press their face up against the glass, which was fogged over because they don't know how to properly employ the defrost features on their car heaters.

That's right; the giant sucking sound you heard around 5pm Central Time was caused by a massive undertow as Kansas City's combined driving I.Q. was unceremoniously flushed down the shitter.

I can only imagine what'll happen when we actually get some accumulation around here. It's quite possible that the city may just collapse in on itself; a mammoth sinkhole which MODOT will then wait at least four months to fill in.

I propose a new broadcast rule:

After the mid-point of the season, if the scheduled game features two teams with losing records, it should be replaced with a game that actually...you know...won't suck donkey balls.

Right now, the only game on in my market is the Chiefs and the Chargers, two teams who don't have five wins between them this season. Meanwhile, we get periodic highlights from other, more interesting games played by teams who...you know...don't suck donkey balls.

Donkey balls. Suck 'em.

How big a moron are you to be behind the wheel of a company vehicle, which is emblazoned with your employer's name, address, telephone number, vehicle number, and signage that reads "Am I driving courteously?" along with a number to call, and you're driving like a complete asshole? I'm not talking the garden variety assholes I deal with every day on the way to and from work; no, I mean the Grade-A Gold Club assholes, who figure the rest of us are just obstacles between them and their destination.

Yammering on the phone while speeding, tailgating, changing lanes without signaling, flying from one side of the highway to the other because you've almost overshot your exit, only to change your mind at the last possible second and sail back into traffic and nearly clipping no less than three other cars? That's not clueless driving; that's being a menace. You're going to kill somebody one of these days. Of course, it won't be just yourself; that'd be just too awesome for the rest of us. Instead, you'll likely take out some poor old lady or soccer mom trying to get her kids to school.

I've become even less tolerant of this kind of shit since my kids came along, especially when one or both of them is in the car with me. If I'm ever in a crash caused by someone acting like this, and the girls are with me? The other driver better pray he or she dies on impact. Better yet, they better pray *I* die on impact. That's all I'm sayin'.

With luck, this particular bozo won't be using this particular company vehicle much longer, because I just called that number and gave 'em your info, dicklint. And yes, I'm just enough of a prick to follow up on the call I made, so I'd start updating your resume now.

Shut. Up.

Shut the FUCK up.

To the Maverick and the Candidate for Change: We were promised a different kind of campaign this time around, without the backbiting about nonsensical crap, but instead featuring a greater focus on what it is you plan to do if and when you take office. One of you grow a sack and keep the promise you made to the American people.

Republicans: I don't give a shit that Obama's middle name is "Hussein." Whenever you bring this up for any reason, it does nothing except expose you for the racist inbred jackoffs that you are.

Democrats: I don't care how many houses that McCain owns, or thinks he owns, or thinks he should own. I don't care how many houses your guy owns.

Republicans: I don't care that Obama went to Hawaii for his vacation. Your guy is worth about 10x more on paper than Obama, and that's only because he married his way into it, so the celebrity/elitist/etc. comments should probably be dialed back a bit.

Democrats: McCain didn't diss D&D fans. Some mouth-breather working for his campaign did. If you're going to hold their guy accountable for every stupid thing anyone connected to them or their campaign says, then tuck in your quivering lower lip as the 'pubs bring back the Reverend Wright shit, because you know it's coming.

:: Checks news feeds.... :: Yep, here it comes. Buckle up.

To the media, including those who think they're "journalists" just because they have a blog: The more we allow these two boneheads and their posses to pollute the air with this infantile bullshit, the less they're on the hook to explain precisely what they intend to do to fix the real problems this country faces. If you're a reporter and you're in a candidate's face and the questions you ask aren't focused on that, then you need to turn in your press credentials and go get a job jizz-mopping at a porn store, because you're worth even less to society than what you'd be cleaning off the glass in the video booth.

Here's why.

You're dropping them off in a war zone and then making them fill out paperwork to get reimbursed for money they shouldn't have had to spend in the first place? Why you're not arranging for the transport of military personnel to Iraq and Afghanistan (or even interim staging areas on the way over) via military aircraft is a different topic, but if you're going to make them fly commercial air thanks to the orders you issue them, then YOU PICK UP THE FUCKING CHECK when it comes to the shit you're making them carry with them. One of the key reasons they're having to hump it on their own backs in the first place is because military shipping of gear/personal effects is about as reliable as whether Barbra Streisand will stay retired after her most recent farewell concert. If this means that you have to issue them extra cash with their orders just to pay the airline, then so be it, but get your act together, you limpdick REMF bastards.

Which brings us to American Airlines: The fat prick in business class can get everything up to and possibly even including a rimjob from a flight attendant, but an American soldier on his way to war has to fork over $100 out of his own pocket to toss on an extra duffel bag? Don't you have some other means of getting back your bullshit fees from the military? It's not like you don't have their address. Aren't the tickets you sell to them for this kind of thing already set up to accomodate these types of situations? Surely this can't be the first time this has happened. It's not like the war's a new thing, after all. Or, is it just easier to squeeze cash from an Army private than the organization responsible for making them fly on your increasingly worthless airline in the first place? Feel free to get your heads and asses wired right...or, at least make a decent go at it before you inevitably file for bankruptcy.

I'll admit, I'm no marketing genius, but I'm pretty sure that in nearly every walk of life, annoying the shit out of your potential customers never works when it comes to convincing them to buy your products and/or services.

So, what is it about the Internet that flies in the face of this simple notion?

Take this morning. I receive two comments to different LJ entries, both apparently from the same source (Hey, spammer, if you're reading this, then please note the correct spelling of "aperently" I just used there). Actual comments? No. Instead, it's someone purporting to offer a cure for acne. "I didn't think I'd ever find a cure, I looked everywhere, blah blah blah," and then goes on to end with "Check out this book."

Of course, the guerrilla marketing mogul who rolled-out this oh-so clever campaign forgot to offer a link to check out the book, or even mention the title of the book.

Is this what passes for teaching marketing in junior college these days? No wonder so many commercials, magazine ads, and viral web campaigns suck ass.

As my sig line on TrekBBS states: "Beware the Canonites, for they are the Devil's pawns."

There currently are two separate (yet equally insipid) discussions currently "raging" in the TrekLit section of TrekBBS about everybody's favorite topic: What's "Canon" in Trek. I never will cease to be amazed at the lengths and contortions to which people will go to argue this stuff. The longer the discussions go on, the more ridiculous the suggestions for making it all work...none of which matter because the only people in a position to actually make a decision on the issue DON'T GIVE A PUDDLE OF LIQUEFIED DOGSHIT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

Meanwhile, I'm huddled on the floor of my living room trying to figure out how to jam the blunt, unlubricated end of a Louisville Slugger through my eye sockets so I don't have to read any more about it.

I knew I'd griped about it before, so I went digging into the archive, and found this:

Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe - February 1, 2007 entry: CANON

Still seems pretty applicable to me.

AP: Health proposal rankles Democrats

From the article:

"Democratic lawmakers said Wednesday that the Bush administration is considering a new federal rule that would withhold government funding from health care providers and organizations that refuse to hire workers who won't perform abortions or provide emergency contraception."

So, let me see if I have this right: Bush and his fellow idiots want to make it illegal to penalize those who "discriminate" against hiring people due to religious convictions. These people would then in turn -- due to religious convictions -- use their position and power to discriminate against patients or otherwise refuse to provide some of the care or related services for which they were hired in the first place, using all manner of semantics and clever wording which when boiled away amounts to "My imaginary friend tells me this is bad."

Does that about cover it?



Edited to fix clunky wording. Illegal wasn't correct here

Never seems to be any shortage of these.

Things stupid people should know for today:

Drivers who don't use their turn signals: These aren't decorative, you pricks. You want to make a turn or a lane change? You flip that little lever on the steering column, and it eliminates the need for the rest of us to attempt reading your fucking mind. Double douche points to those of you who don't signal and then have the audacity to get pissed at other drivers who failed to read your mind. I left my Telepathy Helmet in the other car, assface.

Speaking of lane changers: The morning commute isn't NASCAR, Pezhead. You know where you're going...you do it every frikkin' day. Pick the lane that directs you there and stay in it. Bobbing and weaving between other cars because you can't be bothered to drag your fat ass out of bed early enough to get to work on time without speeding just pisses off the rest of us. Plus, it's invariably dickwads like you who cause accidents which end up snarling the roads, thereby making us all late...on top of which you don't even have the decency to die in the wreck you caused. Show some consideration, for crying out loud.

Indecisive jackballs at the fast food joint: Why do you wait until you're standing at the counter before suddenly remembering there's a big-as-fuck menu on the wall in front of you, from which you can choose whatever food (or facsimile thereof) you want to stuff down your cakehole? You've been standing there for five minutes, and the menu hasn't changed since well before the kid at the cash register was born. Get on with it.

Which brings us to....

People who yammer on cell phones while conducting business with a cashier: Unless you're talking a resident intern through his or her first open-heart surgery, or (maybe) negotiating the ransom for your kidnapped kid, there's absolutely no reason for you to be running your suck into your phone while a cashier stands waiting for you to pull out your wallet and give them money or a credit card or (if you're completely stupid) write a frikkin' check. You're also distracted by whatever inane chatter you're exchanging with your fellow idiot, which means the likelihood of you making a mistake or not correctly hearing something the cashier tells you goes up exponentially. This, of course, will almost certainly be followed by you getting pissed at the cashier because he or she was unable to (say it with me) read your fucking mind while you were occupied on the phone with other, more pressing business, such as discussing with (I swear to God) your beautician the forthcoming removal of your pubic hair.

And finally:

People who hate to read spoilers for movies, TV, books, etc. on internet message boards, yet venture into folders or threads clearly marked "SPOILERS!!!!" and then get pissed when they read a spoiler: Shut. Up. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously. Do you even realize how pathetic and stupid protesting such a thing sounds, especially when coming from an alleged adult? How hard is this? Don't like spoilers? Avoid plainly-marked spoiler discussions. This isn't a dangerous intersection, where you need a crossing guard to guide you across the street without getting creamed by a teenager with a learner's permit and Daddy's SUV. You control your own destiny, here, young padawan...so do it already. Vegetarians don't go to Burger King and then get pissed that they serve meat, do they? (well, I'm sure some do, but those people are morons, too). Same damned difference.

There. I've done my bit for global harmony.

This moron:

California clerk stopping marriages to resist ruling

I expect this dumbassedness from the part of the country I currently call home, but Cali-fucking-fornia? And in San Francisco, of all places? My goodness, what's next? Code Pink holding a rally to support the troops?

Moral: Bigots and idiots are everywhere.

And we're back with a second installment, it seems.

Things stupid people should know for today:

1) Motorcyclists: Hey, if you're obeying the rules of the road like everybody else, I got nuthin' but love for ya. However, if you're weaving in and out of traffic, tailgating, hiding in people's blind spots, using the emergency lane to pass and actually trying to slide between lanes of traffic because you can't be bothered to act like the rest of us, then I don't want to hear you crying and whining when you get run into a guard rail, retaining wall, or a telephone pole. Assholes. 

2) People against gay marriage: Gays getting married won't "weaken the institution." Heterosexuals not taking seriously the commitment they've made, either before God, the Justice of the Peace, or Elvis at the Chapel O' Love in Vegas, weakens the institution. Heterosexuals going through life acting as though a marriage has all the same inherent responsibilities as maintaining your video rental membership weakens the institution. Heterosexuals fucking around on their spouses weakens the institution. So, shut up about what weakens the institution; you're boring the shit out of me. Also, I'm not impressed with anything any Catholic priest has to say on this issue. Get your house in order, stop diddling your acolytes or covering up for those who do, and then -- maybe -- we'll talk.

3) People who think the GOP will pull John McCain in favor of another candidate: I read about this idiocy on The Huffington Post, thanks to a link from a message board thread on TrekBBS. What the hell are these people smoking? Sorry, but as "meh" as I might be about the Republican nominee, this is really little more than a lefty's wet dream. What's even crazier than the notion itself is the list of possible replacement candidates. Mitt Romney? Mike Huckabee? Condi Rice? Colin Powell? What is this, a sixth-season episode of The West Wing? Face it, Dems: McCain is the best player the Repubs have to offer, which admittedly is like saying they've found the most impressive weed in the entire FDA-shunned tomato garden. The election is -- ONCE AGAIN -- yours to give away lose, so I suggest keeping your head in the game and out of the clouds this time around.

4) Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Joe Scarborough: The chances of you getting the Meet the Press gig are about as good as me having a threesome with Diane Lane and the hot chick who covers traffic on my local morning news. Forget it. No, really. Enough, already.

The day's young. I'm sure there will be others.