Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

With all the dangers faced by our troops in forward areas, the Pentagon has of course spent a great deal of time on one of the more important issues affecting our men and women in uniform. Thank God for the bureaucrats in the rear.

CNN.com: Pentagon: Troops won't lose their war-zone smokes

That's right, boys and girls: At the end of a long day at the war, your bosses have - from the safety and security of their air-conditioned offices back in the World - graciously afforded you the continued option to light up a coffin nail if that's your particular kink. Why this even had to last longer than the SecDef asking, "What the fuck are you smoking?" to the people who with straight faces brought him the report, I'll never know.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not a smoker (okay...I enjoy the occasional cigar) and I'd be happier if friends and family members of mine who smoke dropped the habit. That said, I'm all for allowing those who choose to smoke the freedom to do so, provided I don't have to inhale it. I can even get behind the military phasing out smoking altogether on their bases, or even disallowing its members to smoke at all. There's a proper way to do that, with smoking-cessation programs, etc. The Marine Corps had programs like that even back when I was still in.

But telling troops deployed to the combat zones to quit cold turkey? That's almost as dumb as telling them they can't look at a skin mag, or have the odd beer that might come their way. Can you just imagine the reaction of troops in the field? "What? I can't smoke? What the fuck are they going to do? Shave my head and send me to Leavenworth?"

Of course, the Washington Weenie Brigade has, after careful study, determined that smoking poses health problems. Thank you for that bit of insight, folks. You know what else is bad for your health? Bullets, grenades, mines, and dickbags running into market squares wearing vests loaded with dynamite and nails. I figure if a grunt can get past all of that and make it back to his rack at the end of the day, he (or she) should be able to fire up a smoke to help wash away the taste of piss-warm canteen water and the combat ration or shitty overpriced meal served by Haliburton.

Nice to see the Pentagon's got their finger on the pulse of the real issues facing our military these days.

1. The Bruno/Eminem thing from the MTV Music Awards was set-up. No kidding, really? The microphone battery pack Eminmem was wearing was so totally not a give-away. Look, guys, if you want to teabag each other, exchange phone numbers, or hook up via Craigslist. No big deal, okay?
   
   
2. Octo-Mom has a few words for Kate Gosselin, and on this, at least, I can agree: "Shut the fuck up." Yes, it's a true bitch raising all those kids, what with the money from the TV show and the endorsement money and fourteen nannies lurking just off camera. I feel your pain, sistah.
   
   
3. Oh, and President Obama is supposedly giving a speech....uh...somewhere.
   

And I can already hear the Fox News talking heads going apeshit over #3.

NyMag.com: Treasury Plan Rebrands “Toxic Assets” in Hopes of Selling Them to Private Investors.


No, no, no. They're not called "toxic assets" anymore. Now, they're "legacy assets." See? Look at that. The sun's coming out. The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming. You can already see the economy rebounding. Son of a bitch.

Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. You didn't see anything.


Edit to Add: Of course, the markets are up today. I swear, sometimes I'm absolutely sure those pricks do that stuff with a Magic 8-Ball.

Possibly the first in an irregularly recurring series....


Today's entry: Rosie O'Donnell is going through menopause.

Why is this news? The fact that this was a highlight of local news coverage is enough to make me want to drive my truck over my TV. The fact that they actually made a news cliffhanger out of Rosie getting menopause advice from Madonna makes me want to find a way to drive my truck over myself.

Wow. I see we're hip-deep in "dumbass spawning season." From today's perusal of online news:

Latest excuse for driving 80 mph in wrong lane? Texting.

Simply put, driving while texting (and yes, I just used that as a verb, despite my own hatred for the word) is fucking insane. Don't even bother trying to defend this moronic behavior. If you know someone who does this, print off a copy of the news article, roll it up, and poke that Pezhead in the eye with it. All we can hope is that dickholes like this eventually run themselves into retaining walls or off a bridge -- ideally before they're able to breed -- so the rest of us can finally get a decent rate on our car insurance.

Here's another favorite:

Man calls 911 after Subway left sauce off sandwich.

That one's just too stupid for words. If you're an adult and you don't understand the proper use of 911, then do the human race a favor and just jump in front of the nearest oncoming bus or trash truck.

Army Recruiters Caught on Tape Threatening High School Students (Again!).

It's the Army this time, but there are bad recruiters in every branch, and every one of those pricks should be rounded up, tried for violations of whichever rules and regs they've used to wipe their ass, sent to Leavenworth to break big rocks into small rocks for a few years, and then drummed out of the service they've dishonored with their despicable conduct. The military has a hard enough time with its image these days without this kind of crap making it worse. Stop giving the anti-troop idiots free ammo, for Christ's sake.

And finally,

Sneaker Fans Camping Out For New Nikes.

I'm sorry. Do the new shoes levitate? Let you run up walls and stick to ceilings? Let you turn invisible so you can sneak into the ladies locker room at the gym? Do they blow you? None of the above? Okay, then. THEY'RE FUCKING SHOES. If you're standing in line for days to be the first on your block to have a swank new pair, then you need something to fill the voids of free time in your life. I know some Army recruiters who'd like to talk to you, because, apparently, you're right in line with the intelligence level they're targeting.

It obviously was a rare slow-crime day in New Orleans, for this sort of thing to get the attention it did:


NOPD officer punished for wearing the wrong uniform.


Yes, let us be sure to cleanse the festering, corrupt ranks of the NOPD of filth such as this.

Women With Long Finger Nails Complaining That iPhone Is Sexist

I'm with what one of the commenters said: The noise made about crap like this does nothing except muffle the real cries of genuine discrimination and harassment.

Besides, long-assed fingernails are only good for getting that one stubborn booger that's way up in your nasal cavity, hanging off of whatever passes for your brain.

Teens arrested after attempting to rob police station.

You know, if I'd tried to pull something like this, my father would've smacked me upside the head a couple of times as punishment for the actual act.

Then, he would've beat me for a week for attempting something so stupid.

You know what Pezheads like this grow up to be? That's right; voters.