Dayton's Blog: A pimple on the ass of the Internet.

So, let me get this straight:

Next Tuesday, President Obama will address our nation's youth, via the White House website and C-SPAN, during which he will advocate the necessity and benefits of staying in school, doing your best, and all those things I remember hearing from my parents when I was a kid in school.

Some parents, petrified at whatever subversive message might spew forth from a Commander in Chief for whom they did not vote, have decided to act. They won't stand for any President of the United States talking to their kids about the merits of staying in school. No fucking way that can happen. Instead, they're opting to keep their children out of school that day. Better they stay home, playing XBox or downloading shitty music from torrent sites or surfing Dad's porn collection on the laptop than go to school and perhaps be inspired to learn something.

PoliticsDaily.com: "Protecting Our Kids From Obama's Subversive 'Eat Your Peas' Message"

What the hell is wrong with people? What the hell is wrong with schools who cater to these morons? Requiring permission slips TO HEAR A SPEECH FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? And just so they can cover their ass and avoid fallout from aforementioned stupid parents?

As has been pointed out, both Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush gave similar speeches during their terms to school children. It would've been nice to see our previous president engage kids in this manner, if only to demonstrate to anyone paying attention what happens when you don't take school seriously, and instead get by on family lineage and favors.

Do parents actually think that little Johnny Fourth Grader is going to have his brain absorbed by the Obamatron? After the assimilation is complete, will Johnny come home from school and -- prior to sluffing off his homework in favor of playing Guitar Hero -- launch into a litany of liberal talking points about the ailing economy or health care, all while the ghost of Lenin whacks off in the corner?

You know what? Fuck those people. They're lost causes, but there's still a small chance their children can be rescued from passing on to future generations whatever parental stupidity, bigotry, and apathy which might already have rubbed off on them.

Assuming, of course, that they're not kept from going to school by their useless, ignorant, paranoid parents.


(Thanks to kvaadk for the link.)

At lunch today:

Me: "I'd like a BLT."

Server: "With tomato?"

Me: "Sure. Why not?"

Here's your sign.

Oh look, it's yet another politician making news by not being able to keep his dick in his pants:

Politico.com: South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admits affair

Setting aside the usual comments and jokes regarding the hypocrisy of yet another Republican...uh, sorry...elected official...getting caught in an affair while espousing family values and all that crap, my biggest question is: HOW THE FUCK DOES A GOVERNOR JUST DISAPPEAR FOR A WEEK, AND NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE IS?

Why is it I can get 24-hour real-time updates on the most useless dregs of our society, to include what swimsuit they're wearing while they're on vacation or whether they're wearing panties when they climb out of a limo at some nightclub, but the governor of a state can just slip away without anyone noticing? What, do they not have cellphones in South Carolina? After the first day of him not answering the one the state gave him when he took office, shouldn't that have set off some kind of alarm at the state capitol?

By the way, who was supposed to be...you know...doing that governor-type shit while he was off tappin' ass? What if he'd had a heart attack down there in Argentina while he was in the saddle with his lady friend and working off his second dose of Viagra? Did he leave behind a DVD with his final instructions for the lieutenant governor when enough time had elasped and he was presumed dead, like Kirk did for Spock and McCoy in "The Tholian Web?"

Common sense would seem to dictate that it's unlikely no one knew where he was, and his staff has spent the last week stepping on their cranks as they try to cover for their boss. I mean, this guy can't even get his story straight with his own wife as to whether they're separated. I'm hoping to watch some heads roll over this one....

And while we're here, let me ask this: Who flies from the States to Argentina to get laid? Considering the hassles of modern-day airline travel, that must have been one fine honey pot to be dippin' into. Just sayin'.

1. Carnac the Magnificent, holding a sealed envelope to his turban-adorned head, says, "Teleprompters. Hand shakes. Mustard on burgers."
   
   
2. Carnac the Magnificent opens the envelope and removes the card contained within.
   
   
3. Carnac the Magnificent reads from the card: "Just three of numerous glaring examples showing how useless and irrelevant a mob of twat-waffles the Republican Party is fast becoming."
   

I mean, this is a big deal? REALLY??

And no, I don't mean spelling, grammar, or lack of same.

From a "job posting" on Craigslist:

"Hello aspiring screenplay writers, I am currently looking for great screenplays that I could possibly produce. I work for a production company in town and wanted to find the next big movie. Start by sending me a synopsis, make sure your writings are protected first for your protection, im not saying i would steal it but I want you to know what others do."

What about the above screams "Run away!" to you?

Carrying on....

"Just from the synopsis I will choose the ones I feel have the greatest idea and chance to be sold. As some of you know movies is a business first and art second. I dont care if you have written before or are greenlit, this is how you start."

This is how Paul W.S. Anderson and Uwe Boll got their starts, you know.


Moving along....

"This will be based off my personal email because I dont want my company email to get too many emails and clog my work time filtering as I do already. I am one person reading all inquiries I will get back as fast as I can.
I look forward to your ideas."


So, you "work for a production company," but you're not going to route submissions to your work e-Mail account?


And to wrap it up....

"Location: any
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: negotiations for the right script, IE line producer, co-director, screen credits etc.."

Yeah, I'd like to be co-director, but I don't need a screen credit....

Cripes, this shit makes me sick.

By now, many of you must have heard of this idiotic group, the "National Organization for Marriage," and their "doomsday ad" decrying the "gathering storm of gay marriage" which threatens the sacred union between man and woman, blah blah blah. If not, here's a link to it on YouTube.

A visit to the NOM website made me want to gouge out my eyes with a screwdriver. What it all boils down to is "Two dudes or two chicks together is bad. Never mind that, statistically speaking, my priest is more likely to ass rape my son before a gay marriage has any real impact on my home life."

Can I get an "Amen?"

You may also know that NOM had to go out and recruit "actors" (and I use the term in the most respectful junior high school play sense of the word, of course) for the ad, apparently having no small amount of bad luck finding within their own ranks actual close-minded bigots with the basic language and reading skills to fill the ad's needs. MSNBC's Rachel Maddow has a bit on that, also on YouTube.

Morons.

Of course, the parodies are already flooding YouTube, as well, such as this one and this one.

As for me, I've already commented a few times on the issue of gay marriage and its supposed threat to the sanctity of "real marriage," so I'm just going to point to a post I made back in October 2008, as my stance hasn't changed.

Amen.

Thanks to infinitydog for the heads-up.

Such people walk among us, and they vote.



As my grandfather used to say, "If common sense was really that common, more people would have it."

...courtesy of the one and only Peter David.

Short version (aka Dayton's version): If you're trying to justify your "right" to publish a fanfic sequel to one of the hottest literary properties of the past few years, chances are good that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. FYI.

Peter gives us the longer version here: PeterDavid.net: Just when you thought people couldn't get any more clueless about copyright law.

The article to which he links, in which the author's "publishing company" has posted a "press release" which sets out to educate us all with regard to "factual information about copyrights," can be found here.

The "publisher's" official statement with respect to copyright contained this rather entertaining infonugget:

"Copyright laws protect writers from unauthorized reproductions of their work, but such reproductions only include verbatim copying. Characters are only copyrightable if their creator draws them or hires an artist to draw them. Stephenie Meyer herself borrowed a great deal from previous works dealing with these mythologies."

Yeah. I had to read that a couple of times, myself.

Coming soon...a cease and desist letter!

Score another one for our local news folks.

For the past several weeks, one station in particular here in the Kansas City area has been telling us over and over about the Digital TV conversion coming in February. They've even gone so far as to conduct "tests," whereby they switch from their analog signal to the new digital signal during the newscast. These are so very helpful, as they warn viewers ahead of time to turn on all the TVs in their house, and wait for the switch-over test to see if all is ready for the conversion.

One such test occurred during the local station's 9pm broadcast. The perky blonde newscaster took us into the station's "operations center" and talked us through the procedure of how she would press The Magic Button to switch the signal from analog to digital. She even counted down before pressing The Button.

"3...2...1...now."

After pressing the button, she turned back to the camera and said, "If you're seeing this, that means you're ready for the digital switch!"

I, of course, could sense what was about to happen. I could feel it in my gut; in my bones. I tried to look away, to plug my ears, or at least cover my face so as to avoid the bukkake shower of Utter Stupid I knew was coming my way, but I was frozen in place. Time slowed down. Light warped. Blood rushed in my ears. I could feel the individual beats of my heart pounding in my chest.

Thump......Thump.........Thump...............

And then, it happened.

The perky blonde newscaster actually said, "If you can't see or hear me right now, then you're seeing a black screen with information on what to do to get your TV ready for the conversion." She then went on at length about what those poor saps who could not currently see or hear her should do in order to make their TV ready for the digital conversion.

Then she pushed The Magic Button once again, returning the digital signal to analog and restoring the space-time continuum to normal, and leaving me staring with mouth agape at what I had just seen and heard.

Teh Stupid: It does indeed burn. Hot.

So, we got our first "real" snow today. Nothing significant in the way of accumulation. That is, it really shouldn't have been. It started around 9:30am, and by 11:20 or so when I left the office, it was only just beginning to stick. I headed out, ran by Best Buy to grab The Dark Knight on DVD, and then some lunch before returning to the office. During that time, I briefly considered heading home early, thinking the weather might worsen during the day and affect the evening rush hour. I eventually decided the snow we were getting was no big deal, and headed back to work.

Bad call, Ripley. It was a bad call!

I left the office to head home at 4:50, for what would, even in rush hour, be about a 25-minute drive home.

I pulled into my garage at 6:38.

During the intervening 108 minutes, I had a front-row seat as the drivers in my adopted city lost their god-damned minds.

Despite the roads upon which I traveled being relatively free of snow, ice or even meaningful slush, my speedometer never rose above 20MPH (most of the time, it hovered around 6). There were no accidents or stalled cars blocking any of the lanes, no tow-trucks hooking up to abandoned vehicles, no renegade wildlife or debris littering the roads, nothing. However, the lack of usual obstacles was still more than enough to tighten the collective sphincters of the entire Kansas City commuting armada. If they weren't crawling along while straddling two lanes of traffic, they were careening on or off the highway on their way to slip and slide along the ramps. They accelerated into almost stagnant traffic, slamming on brakes and narrowly missing unmoving cars on their way into the ditches on the side of the road. They had their lights off. They had their windshields covered with ice and snow save for the hole just big enough to press their face up against the glass, which was fogged over because they don't know how to properly employ the defrost features on their car heaters.

That's right; the giant sucking sound you heard around 5pm Central Time was caused by a massive undertow as Kansas City's combined driving I.Q. was unceremoniously flushed down the shitter.

I can only imagine what'll happen when we actually get some accumulation around here. It's quite possible that the city may just collapse in on itself; a mammoth sinkhole which MODOT will then wait at least four months to fill in.

How big a moron are you to be behind the wheel of a company vehicle, which is emblazoned with your employer's name, address, telephone number, vehicle number, and signage that reads "Am I driving courteously?" along with a number to call, and you're driving like a complete asshole? I'm not talking the garden variety assholes I deal with every day on the way to and from work; no, I mean the Grade-A Gold Club assholes, who figure the rest of us are just obstacles between them and their destination.

Yammering on the phone while speeding, tailgating, changing lanes without signaling, flying from one side of the highway to the other because you've almost overshot your exit, only to change your mind at the last possible second and sail back into traffic and nearly clipping no less than three other cars? That's not clueless driving; that's being a menace. You're going to kill somebody one of these days. Of course, it won't be just yourself; that'd be just too awesome for the rest of us. Instead, you'll likely take out some poor old lady or soccer mom trying to get her kids to school.

I've become even less tolerant of this kind of shit since my kids came along, especially when one or both of them is in the car with me. If I'm ever in a crash caused by someone acting like this, and the girls are with me? The other driver better pray he or she dies on impact. Better yet, they better pray *I* die on impact. That's all I'm sayin'.

With luck, this particular bozo won't be using this particular company vehicle much longer, because I just called that number and gave 'em your info, dicklint. And yes, I'm just enough of a prick to follow up on the call I made, so I'd start updating your resume now.

Haven't done one of these in a bit, so without further ado, here's a quick rundown of asshats who've annoyed me in recent days:

Samplers at the grocery store: Hey, it's not a buffet, you mooching dickwads. Take the proffered chunk of pizza, burrito, ice cream, or whatever they give you, shove it in your piehole, and keep moving. You don't wait around to see if they might change the menu, and while doing so block the aisle to such an extent that the only way I can get to the frozen food section is to enlist the guys from The Great Escape and tunnel in from the parking lot. Double cockpimple points if you bring your kids along for a cheap dinner.

People who think anything in the movie Stop-Loss was actually based on anything vaguely resembling reality: I only bring up this group because someone tried to talk to me about this policy the other night, but the moment they opened their mouth I knew they were full of shit because everything they were saying was as portrayed in that stupid movie. Listen, the flick was made by a production company owned by MTV. In terms of accuracy, anything that outfit produces makes films like Gladiator or U-571 look like a Ken Burns documentary. Michael Fucking Bay has a better track record for accuracy, okay?

Cellphone users in the public restroom: How little respect do you have to have for the poor bastard on the other end of the line if you take a call while you're standing at the pisser?

Guy at Urinal: "Hello."
Guy on Phone: "Hey, it's me. Whassup?"
GaU: "Dude! I was just thinking about you."
GoP: "Really? What are you doing?"
GaU: "Taking a piss."
GoP: "So, basically, you were thinking about me while you've got your dick in your hand?"
GaU: "Well, uh....Hey. Can I call you back?"
GoP: "Fabulous idea."

Nuff said? I think so. Moving on....

People who chew with their mouth open: Did your parents sit you down in front of a goat to teach you table manners? I can hear you crunching two aisles over. It sounds like NASA trying to listen in on the radio emissions of distant stars, for fuck's sake. And while we're on the subject, feel free to eat your potato chips one or two at a time, rather than so many that you're required to unhinge your damned jaw like those space lizard dudes in V.

And so it goes....

You'd think that with a tropical storm/wannabe hurricane bearing down on your town, common sense would dictate against doing something so completely asinine as attempting to kite surf in gail-force winds.

Think again.

The dude's alive, albeit in critical condition with all sorts of broken bones and bruises. If he's lucky, he'll live long enough to read his nomination for the next Darwin Awards.

Here's why.

You're dropping them off in a war zone and then making them fill out paperwork to get reimbursed for money they shouldn't have had to spend in the first place? Why you're not arranging for the transport of military personnel to Iraq and Afghanistan (or even interim staging areas on the way over) via military aircraft is a different topic, but if you're going to make them fly commercial air thanks to the orders you issue them, then YOU PICK UP THE FUCKING CHECK when it comes to the shit you're making them carry with them. One of the key reasons they're having to hump it on their own backs in the first place is because military shipping of gear/personal effects is about as reliable as whether Barbra Streisand will stay retired after her most recent farewell concert. If this means that you have to issue them extra cash with their orders just to pay the airline, then so be it, but get your act together, you limpdick REMF bastards.

Which brings us to American Airlines: The fat prick in business class can get everything up to and possibly even including a rimjob from a flight attendant, but an American soldier on his way to war has to fork over $100 out of his own pocket to toss on an extra duffel bag? Don't you have some other means of getting back your bullshit fees from the military? It's not like you don't have their address. Aren't the tickets you sell to them for this kind of thing already set up to accomodate these types of situations? Surely this can't be the first time this has happened. It's not like the war's a new thing, after all. Or, is it just easier to squeeze cash from an Army private than the organization responsible for making them fly on your increasingly worthless airline in the first place? Feel free to get your heads and asses wired right...or, at least make a decent go at it before you inevitably file for bankruptcy.

Wow. I see we're hip-deep in "dumbass spawning season." From today's perusal of online news:

Latest excuse for driving 80 mph in wrong lane? Texting.

Simply put, driving while texting (and yes, I just used that as a verb, despite my own hatred for the word) is fucking insane. Don't even bother trying to defend this moronic behavior. If you know someone who does this, print off a copy of the news article, roll it up, and poke that Pezhead in the eye with it. All we can hope is that dickholes like this eventually run themselves into retaining walls or off a bridge -- ideally before they're able to breed -- so the rest of us can finally get a decent rate on our car insurance.

Here's another favorite:

Man calls 911 after Subway left sauce off sandwich.

That one's just too stupid for words. If you're an adult and you don't understand the proper use of 911, then do the human race a favor and just jump in front of the nearest oncoming bus or trash truck.

Army Recruiters Caught on Tape Threatening High School Students (Again!).

It's the Army this time, but there are bad recruiters in every branch, and every one of those pricks should be rounded up, tried for violations of whichever rules and regs they've used to wipe their ass, sent to Leavenworth to break big rocks into small rocks for a few years, and then drummed out of the service they've dishonored with their despicable conduct. The military has a hard enough time with its image these days without this kind of crap making it worse. Stop giving the anti-troop idiots free ammo, for Christ's sake.

And finally,

Sneaker Fans Camping Out For New Nikes.

I'm sorry. Do the new shoes levitate? Let you run up walls and stick to ceilings? Let you turn invisible so you can sneak into the ladies locker room at the gym? Do they blow you? None of the above? Okay, then. THEY'RE FUCKING SHOES. If you're standing in line for days to be the first on your block to have a swank new pair, then you need something to fill the voids of free time in your life. I know some Army recruiters who'd like to talk to you, because, apparently, you're right in line with the intelligence level they're targeting.

Courtesy of another e-Mail group. Remember, boys and girls: There's no backspace key at the tattoo parlor.

The L Magazine: The 10 Greatest Misspelled Tattoos

Are you frikkin' kidding me? I love Batman. I really do. Been looking forward to The Dark Knight for a while now.

But this is just idiotic:

Just A Movie? Fans Paying $100 For 'Dark Knight' - CraigsList Overflowing With Fans Desperate For Tickets

Hey, fuckheads: THE MOVIE WILL STILL BE THERE TOMORROW.

It'll be there next week. Next month, even.

Get a grip. Use some of that coin you were going to spend on a movie ticket and buy a god-damned clue, for crying out loud.

AP: Health proposal rankles Democrats

From the article:

"Democratic lawmakers said Wednesday that the Bush administration is considering a new federal rule that would withhold government funding from health care providers and organizations that refuse to hire workers who won't perform abortions or provide emergency contraception."

So, let me see if I have this right: Bush and his fellow idiots want to make it illegal to penalize those who "discriminate" against hiring people due to religious convictions. These people would then in turn -- due to religious convictions -- use their position and power to discriminate against patients or otherwise refuse to provide some of the care or related services for which they were hired in the first place, using all manner of semantics and clever wording which when boiled away amounts to "My imaginary friend tells me this is bad."

Does that about cover it?



Edited to fix clunky wording. Illegal wasn't correct here

Boycott McDonald's: A Project of the American Family Association

Is this really an issue? Do we have to go over all the things which aren't gay-related and which actually are tearing apart marriages and families to demonstrate AGAIN just how stupid this sort of scapegoating is?

(Translation: Get your own shit together and keep it wired, before you go off worrying about other people.)

My favorite part of the whole thing -- aside from the legions of morons with poor spelling who apparently support this boycott -- is this:

-----

What the boycott of McDonald's IS NOT about:
This boycott is not about hiring homosexuals.
It is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald's.
It is not about how homosexual employees are treated.

What the boycott of McDonald's IS about:
It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.

-----

So, all the bigots and homophobes will take their business to Burger King. Good. McD's fries are better anyway, and this means the lines should be shorter.

I just hope you're not waiting for BK to come down on the other side of this issue. I mean, have you seen their mascot? The King looks just as likely as Ronald to diddle your winker when you're not looking. Don't say we didn't warn you.

WWJD? He'd smack the shit of some of these people. Twice.

Nissan Sentra: $19,000.

Spoiler, ground-effects package, fog lamps, and other assorted after-market accessories: $4,000.

The look on the idiot driver's face when he realizes none of that crap lets him outrun the Missouri Highway Patrol: Priceless.

See ya, doofus.